God of All Comfort

My recent weeks have been filled with tears more often than not.  I am not the crying type generally.  But things change when sorrow and suffering come to live with you. Like the aches after a new workout regimen, I now hurt in places I didn't know I had and ache in a variety of depths. The tears come from any possible source and not for the usual reasons. 

But let me back up… The tears are mostly about my mom, but my mother is not dying, not really. She is suffering, enduring, and persevering and its quite the process to walk along.  My mother’s days are numbered, but then so are all of ours. It just appears that my mother’s days are much fewer than we would hope, and fewer than I want them to be. I was raised knowing that our days in this life are not guaranteed, events can strike at any point. Even in my faith I learned not to hold tightly to my life. Through life I have clung to verses such as “To live is Christ, to die is gain” and “Take up your cross and follow me” and learned to not put all my hope in my days on earth because there is a glorious eternity with the Lord after this life, something I anxiously look towards constantly. So I have not ever been too anxious about my days on earth being shortened. 

Somehow I never applied this mantra to my loved ones. Now I want my mother to live and holding tight to her instead of losing like I do my own life. And I am in a hard place of letting God do with my mother what He wills. If I let Him have her I take the free fall with Him into the arms of His sovereignty. You know like the amusement ride that slams you up and down so fast you think you might vomit and die, except you don’t because you are secured in this massive safety harness. That’s the ride that myself and my family are strapping into right now. Actually I am pretty sure we are on it, because my stomach and my heart have been jerked all over my body already.

This free fall ride is filled with uncertainty, sweet moments of joy, kindness of the Lord and plenty of sorrow and suffering. Sovereignty is not something to be figured out, and not just endured, it is strangely a gift that can’t be understood until years later.  The two things I have learned about God’s sovereignty: first it is why I am not God and second, I must trust Him and believe He really has His best for me.  In the minute to minute God’s sovereignty seems cruel, in the day to day it seems confusing and hurtful, month to month it seems domineering and blinding, but three and five years later it is glorious, kind and wonderful. And just like that crazy ride we eventually tell people how great it is.  

The past 6 months have been so awful and wonderful at the same time. I have had the gift of getting to be with my family so much more than normal, I have made some new amazing memories. My parents who live 4 hours away now come and stay with us for 2 days nearly every other week now. The circumstances hurt but the visits are sweet. I have prayed daily for a miraculous healing for my mother with no answer.  My mother’s tumors continue to grow in her body a little at a time, her signs of liver disease increase, her energy level is non existent and food is a terrible mean trick. It’s a mystery when nausea or vomiting will strike or which foods will be appetizing and which ones will be the opposite. Despite that her immune system stays strong. I can’t explain it but her white blood cells, red blood cells,platelet counts etc all remain stable and unchanged despite all her chemo and medications. I have no explanation other than an answered prayer.  I want a miracle, well here is a small one. The one thing that would keep her from continuing Chemo would be her immune system taking a hit, and counts going very low. By being able to stay on chemo the tumors remain somewhat stunted which gives her more time. Her blood counts remain inexplicably strong. Glory! Glory? Yes Glory.  I must be thankful, thankful for more months. Months, Lord? Can I have years? And the ride continues.

But back to the tears that seem to be pouring out of me.  I keep asking am I crying too much, am I too grieved, my feelings are real right?  It’s so hard to see my mom’s suffering, her body so weary and persistently sick, her spirit weakened. I am filled with such sorrow when I look towards the coming years and start to imagine life without her. It’s awful. It hurts. It’s gut-wrenching. My memories sting, my joys and hopes burn hot tears on my face.  And through my blinding wet eyes I have to remind myself that sorrow and suffering aren’t bad, they just don’t feel good. My flesh wants to avoid it and run the other away.  Praise God that there is someone who can turn my sorrow into joy and my suffering to peace, and who knows suffering, chose suffering to give me peace, it is the Prince of Peace, the Lord Jesus, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the earth, and had to suffer and die on a cross.  He died to reconcile the whole world to His Father.  He is the God of comfort and the Lord of encouragement, and He gives our temporary sorrow and suffering has eternal purpose. There is a reason we get on the ride and take the freefall into His sovereignty, its a purpose greater than myself, and requires trust beyond what I could imagine. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s suffering so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (2 Cor. 1:3-5)”  So God of peace and comfort come. Come to my mother in her affliction  and give her comfort, come to me in my sorrow and give me a revelation of your sorrow and your suffering. 

I thought my heart might break....

I thought my heart might break

Today was one of those perfect days in the Ozarks, warm sun, cool breeze, long shadows from looming trees, with the smell of fall and hint of woodsmoke in the air. Yesterday was much like it, perfect. These are normally my favorite types of says to spend at  home with my folks. And this was a wonderful weekend. The whole family had come in, we were celebrating my brothers birthday and my mother's birthday.

Nothing monumental happened this weekend and yet I will remember this one till my dying day. It was a day of pleasant side conversations, yummy food, my niece talking and parroting the 6 adults around her, meal prep, and a very real mutual understanding that all is not well. The proverbial elephant in the room was there, no actually cancer was sitting in the room there with us. This ugly disease that steals and destroys sat in the room with us as we watched a church service on podcast. I had to look in the face as I saw favorite foods passed over, foods that would have normally been called comfort foods, carrying precious calories that were desperately needed in a weak and disease ridden body. I watched pills be ingested to poison this demon of a disease, knowing the pills weaken and wound and distort the person in the room I love.

I thought my heart my heart might break today. This pain of having to watch suffering in such a real live way was almost more than I could bear.  I didn't bear it, I wept. I would drop conversations to weep, turn away, and try to straighten up so that I might pick up the conversation and enjoy the moments I have with this beloved person. It's hard to imagine my pain being anywhere near the physical pain and aches she feels and even harder to understand the emotional strength that she is bearing up under to submit to the emotional pain she endures each day. I saw that pain today. I witnessed it with my own eyes. I saw her heart ache as waves of nausea washed over her and I saw her try to force food, because energy and calories means life. I saw her strong heart wince and weep a little as she lost another tiny battle that she is so determined to win.

In the moment her battles look insurmountable, her mountain looks unconquerable, but her battle is not about waving a pink flag or ribbon in order to say, " I win", her battle is about a sacrifice. A selfless sacrifice of love. Her love for her children and her husband is what drives her, her love of her grandchildren, her family, dearest friends and families through the years, are apart of her legacy. Grandchildren have an eternal inheritance to gain from her and she knows it.  This woman is not afraid of death and she will bless the Lord and rejoice in the God of her strength always.  I suggest that her battle is far from the modern day commercialized pink ribbon fight. I suggest a battle far more noble and much more costly I suggest she is looking to Jesus, the author of her faith, and enduring and taking up her cross.

I will remember this weekend forever because I saw a a woman bear her cross, put on Christ and lay down her life for her family that she might live (more fully in Him), so we might live more fully with Him. I watched her fight and I thought it might break my heart. Then I look again and I recall a lesson on a Roman road.... "For one will scarcely die for a righteous person- though perhaps for a good person one would even dare to die- but God showed His love for us that in while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Deliverance

So I am trying something new... letting go.

 I don't like to let go, but acknowledging my need for control and wanting to be relieved of it only means letting go, not being in control, still caring, not disengaging, trusting, watching and waiting.  Have undertaken several "exercises" in this.  More than I care to recite here, but one of the most visible ones... a painting.  My paintings though quite abstract are always very structured, very precise, very controlled.  I recently found that some of my old works that were done on paper or cardboard canvas were ruined in a basement flood and then molded.  So yet another exercise for me was to try to recreate some of these works.  The question was could I recreate them without being so precise and anal about them? Could I do a simple work loosely, in a short time span rather than spending weeks in the meticulous details, could I trust in my skill as an artist instead of my precision.

 So I did it...I recreated an old painting called Deliver Me, but I renamed "Deliverance"  and I actually like it better, completing it in about 4 hours.24x32 on canvas w/ acrylic. Strangely enough the painting itself is the very picture of what I was and am learning to do. 
My prayer Ezekiel 11:19-20 coming to light.  God saying to Israel, " And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and take away the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes, and keep my ordinances and do them and they will be my people and I will be their God.."

Haiti Day 16

Where  to start with my journey home….

Maybe with a list of a few the things that happened in 2 weeks…..

Evaluated over 200 children in clinic, identified at least 10 with severe malnutrition, saved a 13 year old’s hearing by faith ( he's much better, now, hearing is returning, facial nerves working again), sewed on a part of a 14 year old boys finger, experienced a death of a patient, experienced God’s wisdom and help as I cared for families and their children,  saw 5 cases of Typhoid, 2 cases of congenital malaria and countless other nasty illnesses, amputated a dog’s leg and  saw her survive, saw 3 other Canaan dogs buried, chased goats for fun, slept through an earthquake, survived 16 days with no A/C or cell phone, moved a friend out of her home into a new life, made some new wonderful friends, avoided traveler’s diarrhea, found God’s provision in an airport hanger, in a dusty store-room and in friends from afar,  was refreshed by living in coastland mountains again and woke up daily to sunrises, found incredible encouragement and direction at the hand of strangers to me and friends of God, saw my family endure trials from afar,  learned 10 more creole words,  gained more vision for the future, saw 10 amazing Haitian sunsets, saw signs of a country growing, prayed for helpless ones and prayed for help daily, found prayers answered, loved on orphans and abandoned ones and fell in love with this people even more.

Now I’ll be honest, it wasn’t all smiles;  I cried more on this trip than I ever have in Haiti over things I never thought I would experience.   It was hard because I missed the leadership a lot, as they were only around half of the time.  I was left with quite a few tasks to complete, but not sure how to complete them and no one to answer to regarding if they were  completed or not.  This trip was by far the hottest I have ever been in Haiti, or maybe I just forget how hot it is.  I just never stopped sweating, even at night.  I mean you get used to it, doesn’t mean you like it, but I did get used to, and once I got used to it, it got hotter.  It made me so thankful for the rainy days. The new clinic has a lot more space and privacy but has less air movement and daily I would sweat through my scrubs before lunch.  Also I have never been bit by mosquitoes this bad, ever, and fresh water was bit scarce this trip.  Translators to work in the clinic with me were even scarcer.  And if I had a question about a diagnosis, there’s no internet, no references, and no testing just to make sure, a Haitian doctor and I would work through our broken language to help each other.  I had the hard lesson this time that things don’t always happen the same way twice, and lab tests really can help you know how sick a child is.  Finally, I decided 3 things, I need to learn to drive a stick, I need to learn Creole and French and I need to develop a stronger stomach for Haitian food.

That’s the summarization I think.  I came away with 2 highlights: I didn’t cry on the plane and I keep trying to speak Creole to people.  I look around right now, and I miss being in the minority, and I know the next 2-3 days will be as those previous where I miss comforts of Haiti like  fresh breezes through my house, falling asleep to the sound of crickets at night, cold showers, having to walk everywhere, seeing a sunset every night over the ocean, going to bed because I am exhausted, and the sound of children laughing everywhere I go.  This was my 5^th time to Haiti, I think I have spent somewhere between 60 and 70 days  in this place. Crazy.  And I want to spend more.  Something about going there, I see oppression of the world better, I hear God better, I feel more and do more about the atrocities I see, and I work harder.  And then I come back with this wider vision and deeper emotions and nowhere to put the energy.  And so I am left feeling like part of me isn’t working anymore, or like I have to turn it off.   And yet leaving this time was different.  This time I know I am going back and soon, and I don’t feel like that part is shutting off, it is staying alive.    I don’t know when or what it will look like, and yet, I don’t leave in want, I leave in assurance.    Assurance that every time the Lord has a plan for me for next time just like he did this time, and it will be different each time I am sure.  And even when I go back life tomorrow, and back to work on Monday, He has a plan for me at work, a plan for me next week, a plan for me next month, and He already knows my next trip and the adventures that will go with it.

 All that to say, I realize that I work extra hard to trust God with my life when I am in Haiti, and open myself even wider to feel the needs, feel the hurts of the people, and I work extra hard and as a result get to see even more of His hand at work.   And I hope for more there than I do, I just expect good things to happen here because “I” do them.  So  I am begging to remember,  He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  He loves my patients in Haiti just as much as the ones in St. Louis, poor or not, needy or not sick or not. They need just as much hope here as they do there, because God loves all of His children.  But even if I don’t remember all that,  He loves me the same each day, and helps me love more each day.    

   

Haiti Day 13

Oh man, the attack ensues.  Can't write much but wanted you all to be aware that the 11 year old I spoke of on Friday with Renal Failure, passed away on Monday or Tuesday.    The family didn't show up on Monday in clinic and I began to worry, I knew he needed a renal doctor but would do what I could from this shore.  There was something not right with the family, something that didn't connect, something that didn't sit right with me, and made me uncertain about letting him go home.  I was told the child got worse and died at home, which I am told is not a good sign from the family standpoint, meaning they may have let him go .  Nothing I said seemed to phase the parents, the history they gave was constantly contradictory, nothing I said gave them hope to want to do more for him.   There was so much I was planning on doing with the child on Monday, tests I was going to run, and they appeared to be in agreement.  I trusted that he could definitely make it 3 days with the therapies I sent him home with.  I saw a child with a similar situation last year, and she got drastically better in the matter of days and continued to improve over the next few days.  Now I regret letting them go home and not making them do the tests on Friday.  I am just working hard to trust that I made the right decision and not doubt the wisdom that He has given me for all the other children.
In clinic today I had a 13 year old boy who came alone to clinic with complaint of ear pain.  Well it was no average ear pain, it was a huge ear infection, with pus and abscesses in the canal, infection into the bone and even some facial paralysis from the swelling and infection.   And here I am again, with the desire to run tests and call a ENT doctor, but I am in Haiti.  So  despite last yesterday's event I am going to trust the Lord, and be as agressive as I can be from here, and try to save his hearing and his facial nerves.
On top of that, I found out my grandmother had a stroke today.  I am told she is doing okay they just need to go after a clot, I just won't be able to call because I can't get good skype reception right now with all the storms. This is the second time my grandmother has had problems while I was in Haiti, I think I'll call this spiritual attack.
Good news is that the dog lives, amazing.  I don't know how.  I even found out one of the other dogs around Canaan has died, and my dog who was in septic shock is living.  And the really dehydrated  1 year old gain 1/2 a pound in 3 days.  (I have posted a pic below )  Yea, a glimmer of hope.
Okay, thanks guys, keep praying.

Haiti Day 10

Hello faithful saints, It’s been 10 days, and it’s crazy to think my time here is drawing close.  Only  5 more clinic days!  Each day is overwhelming, but I can’t get over how I love each one.  Friday was very overwhelming.  Another sick 2 year old with persistent diarrhea and fever for 2 weeks that isn’t responding to what I did on Tuesday.  An 11 year old in renal failure and now developing Congestive Heart Failure and then a 12 month with severe malnutrition and dehydration, that I had to IV hydrate and then enroll in the medika mamba program.  But I feel the Lord giving me the wisdom for each situation.

But, I have to tell you that your prayers avail!!!  But keep praying.  So things are moving along with little James Joseph.  I have found surgeons in St. Louis that will do it they are looking for the funding.   It sounds like he will need 2 surgeries and about 2 weeks of hospitalization.  So exciting!!!  So next step is immigrations, contacting embassies and also finding a host family in the US, so  if anyone has room for a mother and a 7 month old for about 2 -6 weeks,  please let me know.  They  will be creole speaking but we may be able to send a translator too.  We’ll have to see.  It looks like this might happen at the end of July. 

Otherwise, the team left yesterday, and missing their energy and encouragement so much. We had a great day at indigo together and a fun night by campfire dancing around with the kids.  But now, I feel like all our work has come to a screeching halt.  We had a huge storm last night, and I couldn’t help but think that the Lord might have held it off so that they could get all the things done that they did.  Lunch was just so quiet today, and the kids just so laid back now.  Went down to the clinic today to get some supplies and was just amazed at all they did in a matter of a week.  They definitely didn’t work at “Haiti pace.”

So some sad news to close.  I often am critical of all the nasty dogs that run around Canaan,  ( that are here as guard dogs)  we particularly have a pack of Doberman/ Shepard mixes.  Well at some point one of them cut their leg so bad it was in the bone, and I noticed she was laying around yesterday and saw her leg was badly infected.  I let Pastor Henry know that I was deeply concerned about the dog because I could see the infection was bad enough that they needed to take the leg off or she would die soon.  Well Pastor Henry  didn’t have the heart to put her down without trying to help her first, so recruited Katie ( 2^nd year med student) and I to be his temporary vets tonight.  I honestly believe this was one of the most miserable and challenging things I have ever done.  I mean granted I did learn a lot when I was scrub nurse, and knew exactly how and what to do, but dog anatomy is a little different and we didn’t have any anesthesia. We used a ton of local medicine that I could inject, loaded her with antibiotics and prayed a lot.  She was so sick she really didn’t move much, until we go to the bone. Then she took of running leg half attached.  I cried my eyes out for about 10 minutes, sucked it up, went and found her, prayed again, and finished the job.  The Canaan boys just ate it up.  But I bandaged her up and hoping she might make it through the night.  I promise I’ll post pictures if she does.

Okay, on that note, really honestly, please pray that things keep moving along with little James Joseph.  That he stays healthy and all the funding pieces and visa pieces line up.  And that my child with renal failure continues to improve and we can get him mended over the next days while I am here

Hope and love,

Stephanie 

Hait day 7

So it’s day 5, 6 in Haiti??  I don’t know, I’ve kinda lost track.  I know by the time this gets out it will be 8 or 9. We have a very busy place with a team of 40 here right now, water runs a bit scarce on these days and all the houses are very full.  They also brought a team to cook while we are here, so it has been great for giving the kitchen staff to have a break.  I miss the Haitian food and this kids love it.  The kids also love the Vacation Bible School they are putting on. The construction crew nearly has the water pumps totally working, plus even more construction on the clinic.  So far  loving life at Canaan and in love with my daily cold shower.  With all the people using the water supply there was talk of bucket baths for a while, but I’m in the one house with running water all 5 days, Thank you Lord.

 I have had a full 4 days in clinic, and it just feels overwhelming.  Every kid has cough, fever and diarrhea and doesn’t want to eat, all for 3 days, and it takes a bit of work to sort out who is sick and who isn’t with each patient.  How do you really be sure who has pneumonia, UTI, malaria, typhoid, infectious diarrhea, or just a cold, without any testing or xrays on site???? It gets tricky for sure, grace and lots of prayer helps, oh and John Robert, the new doctor that works here, he’s been quite helpful. Then there are the occasional exciting patients too.  The 6 week old with a 102 temp, the 2 year old with a fever for 2 weeks who had negative malaria and typhoid tests.  Yesterday I drained a paronychia and an abscess, today I sewed up a kid from Canaan who cut his hand and leg on some sheet metal, but on Tuesday there was James Joseph.

He is a 7 month old I saw, who first came to clinic at 3 months of age.  The mother was telling me he had a complaint of fever and pain, only to find that he had more than a fever.  I didn’t know that the clinic has been trying to find him help in the states for months to no avail.  This child has a genitourinary malformation that is only seen in textbooks, and typically is fixed at birth.   He actually was born with his urethra (not his penis) coming out with below his umbilical stump, but then his reproductive parts are then stretched out towards his groin and then massive umbilical hernias that don’t reduce very easily w/o making him void everywhere. He voids through a small cleft in his lower abdomen, but it constantly leaks, and skin never heals.  He also constantly gets urinary tract infections, and there is a chance that this cleft opens into directly into his bladder.  It is a sight to behold.  He has very poor quality of life, but he does eat, he does poop okay, and he can stand well enough and is starting to explore.  He does have some reproductive residual parts, but a diaper doesn’t really work for his needs.  But without testing it’s hard to tell what’s really going on.  Needless to say he needs a pediatric Urologist and ASAP.  The problem is they don’t exist in Haiti.  I’m not going to post pictures b/c it is quite grotesque and not fair to the child

So I am calling on you all:  I am calling on you to pray.  Pray for healing, pray for open doors and provision and pray for willing spirits.  When I come back to St, Louis I am going to start a search for this child.  Specifically how to pray is 1.) I need to find a hospital that will take him, and either someone who will pay for his hospital stay or hospital that will do it for free. 2) I need a surgeon who will do the procedure and 3.) a host family for the child for a family that is non-english speaking.  ( in fact the family speaks Haitian Creole and French).  So this thing will not happen by my strength, or anyone here in Haiti, so I am asking for prayer now, and to be praying for hearts of people.  If you think you have these connections please let me know, at joyful251@yahoo.com, and I will be happy to send you pictures for the professional aspect.

I will write more later, but this child is heavy on my heart and something like this could be fatal if not fixed eventually.  I won’t accept failure until I know I have used every gift and resources that Lord has given me and the community around me in St Louis and Canaan.  God bless you all!

Steph