I thought my heart might break
Today was one of those perfect days in the Ozarks, warm sun, cool
breeze, long shadows from looming trees, with the smell of fall and hint of
woodsmoke in the air. Yesterday was much like it, perfect. These are normally
my favorite types of says to spend at home with my folks. And this was a
wonderful weekend. The whole family had come in, we were celebrating my
brothers birthday and my mother's birthday.
Nothing monumental happened this weekend and yet I will remember
this one till my dying day. It was a day of pleasant side conversations, yummy
food, my niece talking and parroting the 6 adults around her, meal prep, and a
very real mutual understanding that all is not well. The proverbial elephant in
the room was there, no actually cancer was sitting in the room there with us.
This ugly disease that steals and destroys sat in the room with us as we
watched a church service on podcast. I had to look in the face as I saw
favorite foods passed over, foods that would have normally been called comfort
foods, carrying precious calories that were desperately needed in a weak and
disease ridden body. I watched pills be ingested to poison this demon of a
disease, knowing the pills weaken and wound and distort the person in the room
I love.
I thought my heart my heart might break today. This pain of having
to watch suffering in such a real live way was almost more than I could bear.
I didn't bear it, I wept. I would drop conversations to weep, turn away,
and try to straighten up so that I might pick up the conversation and enjoy the
moments I have with this beloved person. It's hard to imagine my pain being
anywhere near the physical pain and aches she feels and even harder to
understand the emotional strength that she is bearing up under to submit to the
emotional pain she endures each day. I saw that pain today. I witnessed it with
my own eyes. I saw her heart ache as waves of nausea washed over her and I saw
her try to force food, because energy and calories means life. I saw her strong
heart wince and weep a little as she lost another tiny battle that she is so
determined to win.
In the moment her battles look insurmountable, her mountain looks
unconquerable, but her battle is not about waving a pink flag or ribbon in
order to say, " I win", her battle is about a sacrifice. A selfless
sacrifice of love. Her love for her children and her husband is what drives
her, her love of her grandchildren, her family, dearest friends and families
through the years, are apart of her legacy. Grandchildren have an eternal
inheritance to gain from her and she knows it. This woman is not afraid
of death and she will bless the Lord and rejoice in the God of her strength
always. I suggest that her battle is far from the modern day
commercialized pink ribbon fight. I suggest a battle far more noble and much
more costly I suggest she is looking to Jesus, the author of her faith, and
enduring and taking up her cross.
I will remember this weekend forever because I saw a a woman bear
her cross, put on Christ and lay down her life for her family that she might
live (more fully in Him), so we might live more fully with Him. I watched her
fight and I thought it might break my heart. Then I look again and I recall a
lesson on a Roman road.... "For one will scarcely die for a righteous
person- though perhaps for a good person one would even dare to die- but God
showed His love for us that in while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
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