Tuesday, October 5, 2010

John Mark McMillan | How He Loves: A Story

If I could hear a song everyday it would be How He Loves, By John Mark McMillin.  I just love the story he describes above, the vulnerability, the beautiful ugly of pain and suffering, the grace and love that we get when we are mad at the very one who loved and saved us to begin with.  Click here to hear the full song

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

big bites...

So this blog will be shorter, I promise.  The previous one was a well overdue explanation of the painting that I finished 2 weeks ago.  This is not near as complex, as I have since completed 2 more smaller ones.  They represent one of the names of the Lord, the Alpha and the Omega.  Alpha being simple, beginnings, and creation. Omega being the end or really eternal, complex and more than we can understand.  I am still trying to figure out if there is any more meaning than that.  Can't exactly find a scripture to fit them.

But started like all my other pictures, a glimpse of a vision, 2 in this case, a floating apple and a water drop on blood red water.  Both pictures are smaller than I normally paint, but such big challenging concepts to paint.  A I started both,  I realized I bit off way more than I can chew. I have no idea or experience painting water, and am told it's the hardest thing to paint.  Great.  Okay, time for more grace!  And grace received. The water drop (Omega), the more complex looking was so much easier than I though, and the apple floating (Alpha) in completely empty still water was incredibly hard and the empty water took me days to perfect.  I have to say they photograph better than they look  :).  Open to interpretation.

Painting and the Potter's House

So some may have seen on facebook that I have resumed my painting, after I posted the Potter’s House. For those that have never been to my house, this painting has been unfinished on my mantle for the last 5 years, and felt it was time to start it up again. I have a hard time committing to a big painting, because painting is a lonely business. The amazing thing is it such a wonderful private ministry to Lord and to my heart. It’s the constant exchange between us, the Lord and I, as I try to paint something that I know I am not good enough to paint and He encourages me to do it, and helps me through it, meanwhile bringing to mind people to pray for, and things to pray about. This unfinished painting the Potter’s House was a vision I had while going through a breaking period/transition period 5 years ago. I have since been busy with graduate school, and it sat unfinished, vision yet to be fully revealed. Until 3 weeks ago the picture had no rope tying back the curtain, the curtain not well defined, the fire muted, the stone floor unfinished and everything lacked detail and sharp edges. This wouldn't seem like a big deal except it 2ftx3ft so it appeared very undone.   But in reality this was the state I had to be in to finish it.  But let me tell you what it means first.

The story of the painting is this, the setting is the Potter's House,  the subject of the painting is green pot, the squares are windows into the future. The trinity is evident as purple curtain being Jesus love in the foreground  and His redeeming blood in the background. The Holy Spirit, the yellow breeze blowing in and through the entire room, there is not one thing that isn't impacted by It's presence. The Lord  is in the form of a fire place, a place of warmth and comfort from afar but with a jealous smoldering lava like fire within, that many fear approaching. The Potter's House is the place where the Lord creates His treasures/children or recreates them. This pot (me) has been molded before but is now cracked, needing mending because it is unable to fully fulfill its function. It knows that in the potter’s house there is a kiln (fireplace) with which it will bake as hot as possible without breaking it. The floor it sits upon is the stone it will be dashed upon to be crushed back into the dust that it needs to be to be moldable.  The stone represents truth, often our cracks and blemishes are because of the lies that have hurt and marred us, and the truth of God upholds us and refines us and eventually repairs the lies in our hearts. The windows of the future represent the following: the immediate future is the lowest window, water or the healing; the crushed pot will be mixed with the water to make it into clay before being fired in the kiln. The middle window is the creation that it will become, a totally new creation, new purpose, new life and new fruit, in other words redemption. The next window up, is the final step, the goal result all anticipate but the final step, eternal life.
The Holy Spirit, the swift breeze moving through, gives the guidance and strength and encouragement for every step. However, the pot fears the pain, the molding, and the fire, so it is hiding behind the curtain, hiding back behind curtain, cowering if you, will behind Jesus love. The thing the pot forgets is that it is grace that allows any of this to happen, grace is where the healing, the salvation, and the recreation starts. We often forget that we don’t deserve His healing, His breaking, His fire, His redemption or His eternal salvation. The golden rope holding back the curtain is His grace. His grace is His wisdom, His tender patient love while we wallow in self pity and pain, His knowledge, and the continual recognition of our need of Him. If the rope weren’t there it wouldn’t see the good (the 3 windows) that is to come, wouldn’t be moved by the Holy Spirit, and wouldn’t get to experience the painful healing fire of the Lord or His Power.
The amazing thing about completing this painting is the hardest part was the rope. How do you paint make a gold rope that looks like holding back a thick curtain this is actually gold and has tassels... This was how I had initially saw it and was putting off painting it, I had no clue how to do it, and had didn't know the rope was grace until I finished it. I’ll be honest and say I am not very skilled at painting. I have a skilled Lord. I repainted this thing 3 times, nearly gave up, tried other ideas, to no avail. Finally I told the Lord I couldn’t do it, He said, “I know,” I reiterated that I really wasn’t good enough to make it look like it should, He said, “that’s okay, let me show you My grace.” So colors got mixed, I began praying and painting, and in a different way than I have ever before. My mind wandered as paint went on, I started thinking about the rope itself, what it was doing, how if affected the picture.  In the midst of feeling like I had totally screwed up the whole painting, I realized that was it, the Grace that the Lord was showing me, was the very rope itself.  So I kept going, then I stopped, realized  it was....done??? I stepped back amazed, it was grace. I myself had experienced the same grace, in a simple painting. I didn’t want to do, I wanted to avoid it. I didn’t deserve His help, but He did help, and it ministered to Him and He ministered to me.  It made me realize the whole time I had been focused on the broken pot as the subject of the painting, but He had a different story to tell, the real the subject is His grace.  And I can take no credit for it. The potter’s house sounds like a happy place to dwell, the fire looks warm, and the curtain so comforting, and it can be comfortable to live with our broken vessels.  But up close we are not really experiencing His grace and love until we is acknowledge our weakness and that we don't deserve anything that we find His healing hands and His fire, the real work and power that He can accomplish in us.
2 Cor 4:7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, 
to show the surpassing power belongs to God, and not ourselves.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Connections and Dreams

So a bit of a misadventure in returning back from Haiti.
You know my initial idea in the timing of this trip was it would be great to get my clinical skills back in shape before starting my new job as a PNP in teh Emergency Department here. The timing was just a little tight. I was to fly in at 8 pm Sunday night and start my job Monday morning at 8 am. Not much turn around, but I've done worse.
Well, apparently Haiti decided to give the gift of Camphylobacter or E Coli or Salomonella or something in that infectious family. I suspected issues on Satuday but wasn't worried. But while on my layover in Miami I knew I was in trouble and my quick 4 hours of flying back to Saint Louis on Sunday actually took me a day and a half and a lot of Pepto Bismol and Gatorade. What a miserable flight back too. I honestly don't remember ever being that sick for so long. Four days of misery and I had to miss my first 2 days of work, but antibiotics and the Lords healing hand are wonderful things.
Those first couple days back in the states I hardly remembered being in Haiti because of just being so sick. By Wednesday I eventually started getting better, my strength was back. But it was Wednesday when I realized that I came back to the US too soon. My heart grieved Tuesday and Wednesday as the reality sunk in of how much I love it there, and I recognized that the trip was done. Those were a bit sad and lonely days as I wondered about my patients I cared for and friends there. But I began repositioning my heart from the place of serving to a place of travailing and interceding for these people. There is still so much to be done in this place and the country still has so far to come. I can't get over the fear that political unrest is not far off. So much of the upperclass appears to be back to business as usual while tents abound everywhere, buildings in Port remain in shambles, and aid is pulling out.
Oh how they still need help. So I pour out to the Lord I dream I have of a healed and restored country, and I pray the same prayer I have prayed for four years, "Oh Lord, would you heal this land, would you restore life in the waters and green plants in the hills, revive their spirits with Your love and Your hope as they see you restore this desolate land and that they will return to You wholeheartedly. I have hope Lord that Your mercy will abound for these people and that You will come to them" And now I sit and wait, wait for the revelation of the next adventure the Lord has for me. Wait for the restoration to come to this people, wait for the awakening of their Spirits and hope to abound.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Last day

So I realized I haven't posted a pic of myself in Haiti, and I keep talking about this group that was here while I was, so here's a pic.

Had a great rest day yesterday, did the famous hike up to Cap'iat and then spent the afternoon at club indigo, enjoying the beach and watching USA futbol.The hike is so refreshing and beautiful. Nothing like climbing a mountain to refresh my spirit

That was a bit sad. A good way to close out though, at Indigo, remembering the beautiful beaches and soft sand and the great friends I made while there. Plus the food there was so fantastic.

Oh, I hate waiting in the terminal here in Port. My Creole is so terrible that I can't strike up conversation with the bystanders. The other blan's around me are like normal missionaries who travel in groups and concerned with their own affairs. But no, Miss Independent, I always seem to do these trips alone. So I sit alone and think. I have a bit of distraction because I am in shock at the modernness of this upgraded gate, flat screen monitors, air conditioning, elevators, hello 21st century! Not sure I have ever seen a flatscreen in Haiti ever. But still just left thinking.
I think about how much I am not ready to leave, how much I love this place, how much I love being the Lords hand and feet. I always sit and sort of reflect and ask the Lord if He will let me come back. So that's what I have been doing. So, yes, I think I will be going back. But there is a part of me that want to visit other islands and other starving lands. My mind drifts to Fiji, Philippines, Cambodia, Honduras, Malawi, Indonesia....and I wonder what desperate needs I would find there. What starving children would I find? What kinds of strange illnesses would I rack my brain with? Oh I've got the bug...Lord You have captured my heart for the nations, for your precious children, the orphans, the widows, the abandoned, the fatherless, the hungry and the sick. It is but a gift to serve these knowing that what I have done for the dirtiest, the smelliest, the most desperate and the least, I have done unto You Matt 25:35-40. Thank you for letting me touch You and serve You this week.


Okay guys, this is a quick one. So funny, felt like a day in the US with such normal illness that I cared for-reflux, Viral illness, Ear infections (minus the occasional malaria patient or hypertensive 60 year old). Of course this is a little more what I am used to here. Thank you Lord for a day of rest for my heart. I am not sure what I would have done with another lethargic 2 month old with 101 fever.

Anyway...we were trying to close up around 1pm and guess who shows up. Ismaylove, my little 2 mo old baby that we took to Pap yesterday! They discharged her! I was so in shock, but the pictures say it all. You'll have to compare and contrast, the pic of the hand was from 2 days before. Pardon the sad face (she had been feeding and had her pull away for the pic. But she even matched the mother's color! Amazing

Thank you Lord! Yup, 2 blood transfusions later and we have a baby that looks like a healthy alert Haitian baby. I can rest now.

Port au Prince and back

A little GI illness has been spreading through Canaan and caught a few of our group in its grasp, so we got a bit of a slow start getting out of clinic and on the road.
Our little malaria baby was obviously sicker yesteday, grunting, more pale (if it were possible) and now with vomiting and diarrhea and fever again. Perfect.
Amazingly the the 4 year old with the heart problem showed up too! Yea!. So about 9 am Elsie and the kids and mom's piled in the truck and headed it to port. Was wishing the whole time we had a siren. I was convinced that the only thing that would help our little baby now was a blood transfusion, at the minimum. I had actually kept the IV alive over the last day, so we had that going for us. So I found myself by the airport again!

Went to PaP yesterday, what an adventure.
Drive by those awe inspiring tent cities again too.
When we arrived where the University of Miami base was supposed to be by the airport we found it was gone, it had been moved! We were just gutted, now what? Drive around Port to find a hospital no thank you! Luckily they had moved to a more permanent compound through the rainy season and we did find it. It was a bit crazy but we made it through and in about 20 minutes we were standing with an American neonatologist in the Childrens ward. Quite a scene, I should have taken pictures. It took about 2 hours to get them settled in, and the poor mother so dishelved there with all the Americans buzzing around her.
They admitted the 2 mo old but we brought the 4 year old back with us with plans for the mamba program and the pediatric cardiologist (who is coming in 6 weeks with his echo machine) to take a look at her.
It was nice knowing that I was leaving her in trustworthy hands. For those who this means something her H&H was 3.4 and 9. When I left they were crossmatching the mother for a blood transfusion and giving her IV antibiotics! YEA!!! My prayers were answered.
Oh and yesterday had such an amazing moment with all the med students and Elsie talking with Sizette and her aunt about HIV and what that meant. She's so precious. Please keep her in your prayers!

Whew! what a day.

Day 3

This trip is going too fast. I feel I am just getting settled in to Haiti mode. So
many sick babies are coming in. There were 2 children today that we started IV's on for IV fluids! I haven't started an IV in Haiti ever. It's a little intimidating getting out one of the three or four 24 guage needles knowing that if I miss, I'm not just hurting the child, but stealing IV access from the next sick baby. But there is grace. Next time I am taking 24 guages with me somehow!
Anyway, one of them is so sick 2 mo old with 103 fever, and she is so lethargic and paler than me, turns out she has malaria! We kept her and her mom here and Canaan so we can watch. I have been checking her every couple hours, she is one of the sickest babies I have ever seen here. If she doesn't look better we will probably take her to Port au Prince. Oh Lord help. I'm not sure what can change between today and tomorrow besides her getting more anemic and more weak. And that's scary, Lord give me faith. Have been praying a ton, for patience, for these little kids. I always keep the people in mind as I consider their illnesses, how much different it is for them to stay in a strange place with no help, no phone, no money. I want to help this child but I can't on my own, and not with my American agenda either.

Some of the other heart wrenching situations included a 4 year old that besides her major malnutrition and anemia has a massive murmur that sounds like a VSD (good ol' PNP education there folks!), and this terrible drowning cough and fluid retention indicating she might have some kind of congestive heart failure. She was so weak she couldn't stand on her own. Oh Lord, why here. I would be alarmed caring for this kind of patient in the states. Hopefully we can take her to Port au Prince too.

The third was the most heart breaking of all, a 12 year old that came in for bad cough, but she was so small we couldn't help but think there was more going on, so we tested her and she was positive for HIV. Wow. Seriously what a day. And I thought the 6 mo old with diarrhea and fever was challenging. But we made it through! Just really need to keep focused on the Lord and remember the love He has for "even the least of these" and what an opportunity I have in doing this.

I have really enjoyed getting to spend time with Elsie, what an amazing spirit. Gosh I have missed her. And such a natural and beautiful mother to Caleb, it's so cute. Oh and we got fresh mangoes today! So amazing! We were a mess trying to eat them off the seed.

Have been very frustrated with my Internet situation. Writing blogs on an ipod touch is not ideal. Brought a computer but it doesn't work without power and it doesn't pick up the internet signal. Hah! The one thing I am looking forward to about the states is getting my computer back.

Haiti Day 1

So I am absolutely amazed. I arrived in Haiti in the middle of the world cup. I know that they love soccer but Hatti hasn't been to the world cup since the 1970's. Instead these people love Brazil!!! It was amazing driving down the destructed streets of. Port with broken buildings and roads everywhere only to see people gathered around televisions and radios cheering and jumping up and down. Nice to see joy, especially with this being my first time back since the earthquake. The tent cities are sobering. Such a strong reminder of the travailing and the affliction of this people still. Mont-Rious (the town where Canaan orphanage is) and the road to it is still beautiful and fun. And Canaan itself is such a breath of fresh air with people buzzing around from other teams ready and eager to serve, so motivated by their love for the Lord and their burden for these people. Some of the kids here even remember me which is fun. But besides a belly full of plantains and breadfruit the best thing so far has been getting to see my friend Elsie. She's the full time missionary nurse who runs the clinic here. Looking forward to a full
day in clinic with her tomorrow!!! I am so challenged and encouraged by her life here and how she has just put it out there for the Lord to use for two years now. I am so challenged to be willing to do the same. I read a prayer by A.W. Tozer today, it was so encouraging and challenging, I honestly need to commit it to memory, and repeat it as a confession everyday-whether in Haiti or not.

Father I want to know Thee , but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without onward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart , all those things which I have cherished so long and and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou may enter and dwell there without rival. Then shall you make the place of your feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it for Thyself will be the light of it and there shall be no night there. In Jesus name, amen.

It was so comforting to read such a ragamuffin confession of a prayer by someone who I admire so much.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ripple effect

Making my forth trip to Haiti in a week. Such a blessing, so exciting, so ready, but am I? Is my heart really ready for what I will see? So much has changed in Haiti since the last time I was there. New roads built, millions of buildings toppled, new needs, more crippled, more orphaned, but tons of aid, so many more “workers for the field.” I feel like I am going there for the first time, almost, and yet I feel like I am visiting an old hometown. How amazing that I can have this kind of familiarity with a 3rd world nation or an island nation. How my heart burns for island nations, for their needs, their people, and their little children. Not in my wildest dreams, wait, no, this is one of my wildest dreams….that I am able to go to and invest in lives of these children: the lost, the desperate, the hungry, the abandoned, the hurting, and the broken. And even more loftier a dream: that I go in hopes of seeing goodness in a desolate place, in hopes of seeing provision in a dry and weary land, in seeing people healed, in seeing people satisfied, in seeing people find joy.
It’s amazing really. I am but one person. In my little week I will attempt to impact my little circle in Montrious, without knowing if I make a dent or even a scratch. But then there are so many, many more who are going to this precious little country to do the same thing, in their little circles. There are those who go for a week or two or go for years, each has their circle and their impact.
I have decided that even though I may not see a tremendous change, I will trust and believe that the course of the nation is being changed, hope is being restored, hungry mouths fed, lives, changed a a country is being transformed before our eyes.. I am trusting and hoping that the people are finding mercy and hope and satisfaction and healing; and that each day things are only getting better. I am clinging to the Beatitudes as I prepare my heart to go…..
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy
Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall be called sons of God
Blessed are the peacemakers for righteousness’ sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

I especially cling to 6th one, “Blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy…” What an idea, giving of mercy resulting in receiving more mercy. What does mercy look like to you? I see mercy as a ripple on still water. Mercy is giving compassion and offering favor or forgiveness that is not deserved or earned to one in distress, given unconditionally. It’s a real definition of sacrifice: love given without regard of return. So as I have unconditional favor and love for a people that did nothing to earn it (except be in need), I will receive mercy as well, even though I didn’t necessarily deserve that compassion or favor either. What is more is that, as the Lord shows me His compassion, love, and help that I don’t deserve, I will have more compassion and love to offer to others who don’t deserve either. Now that’s a way to transform a people.

Sacrifice a little unconditionally to one who didn’t earn it, so that their heart is awakened and they might sacrifice a little to others who didn’t earn what they are receiving so that they go out and give to more to a few others, and out it goes. A small ripple at first, then a bigger ripple, and eventually a wave, and then another wave, and then a bigger wave. Now mind you this is not strict theology by any means. But imagine: have mercy or sacrifice of yourself by showing unconditional love and favor; so pouring out a bit of yourself, expecting nothing back, and therefore filling another that they might be awakened. Then you have two people awakened to the compassion and love of their Lord, finding fulfillment, satisfaction, and joy through mercy that you have both received, that it might continue.
Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy….Transforming lives….definitely not a stagnant process.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Managing the (small) storms

So this week has been the biggest emotional roller coaster in my year so far. Now that I am at the end of it I can say that I have:
-incredibly loving parents
-frighteningly cool dreams
-a spectacular boyfriend who is now out of the country :(
-a crazy/fun job
-an exciting new job approaching
-a big nasty cold
-best friends back in the country for a bit ( yea!)
-great and supportive friends
-a better public speaker than I was 2 months ago
-many prayers answered or revealed
-life direction confused every 30 minutes
-a continued addiction to coffee
-a plane ticket to Haiti
-not had enough time in the prayer room
-land sickness
-scars from my dog
-a continued battle with fear
-a scheduled trip to South Carolina
-a trip to New Zealand on the dockets
-a tri-athalon to train for
-and lots of paperwork to fill out that I don’t want to work on
.....I think that’s that enough, but know that more is coming

It is really all so crazy, all the little things that happened this week, as if I just put all the things that hold my emotions in balance and put them on a sheet, and tossed them up in the air like the parachute game. I hit Friday and literally didn’t know what to even feel anymore, only knew that I was aching and needed peace. Today, I found it, and it has been good. One thing I have learned is how often the Lord and His hand is visible in the whirlwind and the storm. When your life feels the most churned up, there is His presence the most. When the Lord appeared on Mt. Sinai His voice was in the thunder and the strom, when His wrath would appear or His goodness appear often it would appear in a cloud or a storm. Even in Nahum it says, “in the whirlwind and the storm is His way.” I guess I am going to have to really adjust to this, the whirlwind and the fearsome storms that is.

At the end of the day, the week or the month, it so often seems that all works out. Maybe not how I predicted or even hoped, but it does work out. It reminds me of the storms in Haiti, from far away they looked so dark and alarming fearsome and yet if I would stop to look at the storm clouds brewing on the mountains it would be so beautiful.

Ahhh…despite the foreboding or amazing lists of events in our lives, peace and joy does come in the morning.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


So I got my green thumb out this weekend. Took up my usual habit of potting tomatoes and herbs in the spring, but decided to get a little creative with it, you know throw in few extra veggies. My favorite summer vegetable is zucchini. There is nothing better than fresh grilled zuk’s. But I live in an apartment and while I have a yard, it’s not one I can plant in. Not only that I have devilish attack squirrels that scavenge on any plant that is not grass. (You should see the Hastas on the side of my apartment.) So I decided to try potting zucchini and cucumber. I considered peppers and strawberries, but just thought I wouldn’t get as much produce as I am hoping for from them.
So here you have it, a little mini garden, potted for portability and small, because it’s just for me. It was a bit of an adventure, since my back deck (where there plants will live) has no entryway except through my bedroom. So here I am hauling potting soil, plants, tools, water pitcher, and pots through my house. Then creating the mess and then cleaning up the mess and carting the trash back through the house. After all the work, I was more proud that I didn’t trash my house in the efforts. But honestly, not as challenging as I had thought.
Did my usual, rosemary, sage, chives, and oregano in the window box, I have finally given up on Dill; it smells wonderful but it’s so annoying it only lasts a month or so. After 5 years of doing this I have also learned that my favorite herb, Basil, is quite territorial, and will kill anything near it, so he stays alone in his own little pot, which works out well for keeping him indoors later anyway…. Then the ‘maters, always a Roma because they grow so well, and am going to try a Jet star. I had to get creative with the cucumbers since they require a trellis, I couldn’t find one that was small enough for a pot, but we’ll see. I will have to update later with a picture of the produce and let you all decide if the efforts look worth it.

The poor zucchini plant was very stressed out by the event, he is mound-less, but I think he will pull through

Monday, April 5, 2010


There is something special about home. My idea of home is so much different than most. I grew up in 5 different homes, and now my parents have settled 8 hours south of all of them. I have been to so many places I would love to call home, and have lived in a city, that I feel should be home. Most people look at the house where they grew up, the memories there, the smells, the sounds, or the stuff inside that the memories were made with, and become overwhelmed with this sense of wholeness. Somehow this isn’t the case with me. It’s so much about the people. I have traveled to so many places, and felt more at home in a matter of days than I have felt for weeks in another place. Home for me is always about the people who are there. This weekend I went to my parents house, and I was overwhelmed at how much it felt like home. Friends that my parents have only had a few years felt like friends I have had since I was 5, and family members that were there felt like they belonged there in that place. It was fantastic. Cooking with my mother, spending time with family, catching up with their friends and thanking for the prayers they have lifted up on my behalf.
Five years in Saint Louis and my parents home feels more familiar than my own sometimes. Saint Louis often just feels like the place where I work, it’s only been in the last 2 years that I have really felt solid connections to the city, people that I need and love, and a reason to stay. And yet, I haven’t have a need to stay, nor have I had a reason to go.
I absolutely love traveling to new places. I think I have been to 39 states in the US and 7 countries (as long as Geneva counts). That’s pretty good for my age. I mostly travel alone to see people, you know, old friends or family or meet new people. One of my favorite parts of my many trips is making friends with the people that surround the area I’m at; getting to know what connects them to that place. There are some great vacation spots in the world that everyone says they would love to live, but none of us really mean that. No one vacations to the Virgin Islands and says this is where I want to live someday. Except maybe me, I have definitely thought I could make a home in Haiti or Gunnison, CO, Minneapolis, MN, or Tauranga, New Zealand, Waco, TX or Lynchburg, VA, or Branson, MO, mainly because in these places I am a sucker for the amazing people that I meet when I go. It’s cheating a bit I guess, since these are other people’s homes, and not mine. I feel a bit like Dory in finding Nemo, at the end and she looked at Marlin and said “When I look at you I am home”, it had nothing to do with what part of the ocean she was on, but more who she was there with. But after each of these trips it makes me wonder if I have actually found my home yet and if not what is missing, and I think maybe I’m just chasing greener pastures. But seriously, what if the pastures are greener? Literally
I should be able to say I love New Zealand because it is just so beautiful, and It is so lush and full of life. While beautiful and green it just isn’t a mere vacation spot for me. There is this beautiful familiarity with the place and how my heart comes alive around such wonderful people. There are such deeply amazing people there, so warm, so free and adventurous and resourceful and loving people. They truly love and respect the land around them and work to enjoy what surrounds them day verses surrounding themselves with distractions. I left New Zealand almost 2 months ago and there is a part of me that feels lost since I have returned. That part wonders when I am going to rest again, let the windows fly open, and do without all the extras that creeping so quickly into my life. That part wonders if maybe I actually found my home.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

What am I doing?

Not sure how I ended up here. I've been told often I should write a book or a memoir, mainly because it would be funny. But I have started a book before. I started it in my second year in grad school during my winter break, I made it to page 28, and haven't read it since. I would imagine my writing would read more like Donald Miller than say CS Lewis or Tozer. Meaning, while serious and dry in thought, not very philosophical. Anyway, unlikely this one will be read anyway....
This blog got started tonight in honor of a patient I cared for this week. Her story, stirred me in a way that no other story has. I have spent the day trying to escape the thoughts of her because they haunt me. I sat down to write her a letter, and all I could do was cry. But I thought, what if I do write the letter, what if she gets it, could it mean anything to her later in life? Will she know the weight of my prayers for her today? Will she understand the burden in my heart for her pain? Should she know? What should she know about my time caring for her? I can do nothing but hope for her. And pray. And hope. No I don't want her to know. I sat today just staring, thinking about the love that the Lord has for this child. I just read in Mark where Jesus said "Let the children come unto Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." I have felt this pain in my heart for her, and it is overwhelming, the pain and suffering this child has endured is too much, and there was no help for her that day. Then I realized how much more you must hurt for this sweet little one. Then I thought, 6.2 billion people in this world, and each goes through pain, suffering, and loss, and we are told that the Lord feels each one. He catches each tear in a bottle (Ps 56:11), and you know each tear by name. All 6.2 billion peoples hundreds of thousands of hundred thousand tears. You know each one. Wow.
So now I'm here. I logged on to comment on someone else's blog and thought maybe I'll start today. So, if somehow that little one were to find herself back here 10, 20 years later, I would tell her she had many many tears, and He knows each one, and He was there through it all.
Hopefully the next blog will be a little less solemn